My Precious: Lessons from Lord of the Rings

Photo Courtesy of: Heyjoon Kim via Unsplash

As Halloween approached, I had some curious intuition arise within my playfully creative inner world. It really is amazing how setting the intention for playful creativity keeps coming to fruition. So, you can imagine, there I am stirring my oatmeal that’s cooking on the stove and bam!

The image of Gollum cowering over the one ring and seething, “My Precious,” pops into my vision! Huh! I haven’t thought about Lord of the Rings in years, but here we are as breakfast is being prepared!

What came after that initial image?

It’s the image of what that one precious ring did to poor Gollum. Here was this bright, smart man with great potential that got sucked into the belief that one ring would magically save his life. His “precious” ended up stealing everything he had…his dreams, his brilliant mind, his health, and all his capacity to effectively interact with society. This one Holy Grail, believing that one precious ring would end all his suffering only piled on more to the point where he became a shell of a man who seethed at anyone who would get between him and his one singular desire.

I will admit, I have fallen into the traps of believing that my Holy Grail resided somewhere outside myself on many occasions. Welcome to the human condition! It is all too easy of a trap to fall into, especially in this fast-paced, high demand world we live in. And yet, I have been fortunate enough to keep an open mind and curious heart alive no matter how dark the cave of my own suffering became. Taking responsibility for my own role in my suffering has actually been, and continues to be, the most precious gift I give myself as the tides of depression, fear, shame, and shattered dreams come crashing in.

I have vacillated between feeling like Gollum and leaning into the wisdom of Gandalf to forge a different path. We all do. Sometimes the precious thing we are clinging to is our past stories and thrusting all the blame for our messy lives on all that has happened to us. This mindset has us locked into believing the world is against us and has us terrified of trusting in our own strength and capacity to write new chapters. How has this shown up in my own life?

Whether clinging to an identity of being a rescuer to others, allowing my traumas to rule my present world, or believing that my voice needs to remain hidden because it shatters others’ illusions, these were all precious attachments that kept me locked into the pit of despair for way too long. I knew how to blame others so I didn’t have to face my own self-abandonment and fear of being rejected by the world. And, I played the role of chameleon very well. One of my greatest skills is knowing how to blend into whatever social situation I am in. Meanwhile, how much was I rejecting the most beautiful parts of myself as an attempt to receive love others clearly weren’t able to offer? And, how much was that superpower of blending in costing me in unconsciously absorbing everyone else’s emotions?

It wasn’t until I looked within, became curious about playing the same script or writing a new one that my own dark nights of the soul transformed my perceptions, thought processes, beliefs, and actions in the world. When my marriage was on the brink, I cried out in prayer asking what my life would look like if I remained in this situation. That is where a giant deep black hole opened up before my vision. Clearly, I would have ended up like Gollum: sick, depressed, terrified for my own life, and completely absorbed in trying to fix someone who clearly didn’t want help. Such is the trap of a deeply empathic heart trained to put others needs above her own: the hallmark of co-dependency!

I was dealing with stress-induced illness that was ravaging my body, my mind was having to pre-plan for every potential scenario I would be greeted with when I returned from work, and I had no stable foundation to rely on. This hollow promise of a marriage built on love, Christian beliefs, and trust had left me terrified for the safety of both of us. As I recognized the depth of my husband’s mental torture and the risk that placed on both of us, I found myself automatically pulling into the shadow side of my personality just to keep both of us safe. The moment I pulled into intentionally manipulating his moods is the moment where truth died within the marriage. What to speak of love!

Now, had I clung deeply to my precious vows to love one another in sickness and in health, the covenants of Christianity that demonized divorce, or believed that I somehow deserved to be tied to someone who was sucking the life force out of both of us, I would have been caught in the pit of despair and it would have cost me my life.

So, the question arises, what precious thoughts, beliefs, or identities are we holding onto that are actually leading us further into the pit of despair? This is a question we each have an opportunity to individually unpack in our own ways and on our own timing. And, it is a question I continue to revisit when life is taking a curious sideways turn.

Just imagine the dichotomy between Gollum and Frodo or Samwise Gamgee. They all were caught in the pit of despair. Life as they knew it had vanished in the blink of an eye, and they were all confronted with a choice: focus so much on a worldly-given identity or on the false promise that that the magic wand to healing our problems is just around the corner; or, choose to forge a new path ahead, see life as an adventure, and tap into trusting inner strength and wisdom will support the journey leading to the greatest good for the many.

I can’t help but see how the energy of despair is swirling all around us. Many of us are finding ourselves not only at a crossroads in our own lives, but also in the national and world orders. World powers that appear strong, and yet are operating out of deep insecurity and fear, want nothing more than to steal away everyone’s courage and hope. They want to bring everyone down into their own pit of despair just so they don’t have to feel any of it alone. Cruelty is the name of the game and its wreaking havoc on the last threads of sanity we may have had left in this fast-paced, productivity-driven society we find ourselves caught in.

And yet, the greatest pit of despair in my life has often been within my own mind. The pit of overthinking and bypassing my intuition. The pit of failing to discern other’s opinions of me as projections of their own shortcomings. That pit of believing in the identities everyone else threw on me, which encouraged me to exile the most beautiful parts of who I am as an attempt to be accepted by others who didn’t know how to accept themselves. I will say, the pit of extreme loyalty to others while betraying my own soul has been one of the most challenging to recover from.

Cutting the chains of these false identities is far from easy. It often feels easier to simply hide and play society’s games. But, every time I am confronted with a dark night of the soul, I ultimately reach a point where a key question arises: At what point does my hiding from what I know to be true deep within end up costing me my own soul? This question continues to be my saving grace as it leads me towards taking the more difficult adventure of self-discovery, leaning into actions that honor my core values, and ultimately taking the path less traveled.

Just like Frodo and Samwise Gamgee, the adventure of following the heart, discovering their hidden courage, and leaning into faith over fear cost them a lot. They had to leave the comfort of their homes in the Shire. Their energy and capacity to cope with every twist and turn tried their resolve and determination. They needed to think on the spot, come up with creative solutions, and trust that Gandalf would always guide them whether he was in their midst or whispering through their hearts. Leaning into one another was a key to their success, and yet, both of them needed to find their individual courage along the way.

What precious attachments must be released to forge ahead to a life worth living? How much do we need to confront within ourselves and the world around us so we can reclaim the essence of truth, love, justice, and worth that has always been residing deep within, buried under the rubble of life’s conditioning and demands? What comforts might we need to give up in order to forge a new path towards our true destiny?

Over the years, life has asked me to give up on so much: false beliefs about myself and others, identities that were rooted in others’ opinions of me, beliefs that my tears of overstimulation were tied to depression, communities and jobs that no longer matched my determination to follow my core values, and the chains of religious control tactics that went against my lived experience.

And yet, every time I have chosen to forge a new path, level up on the adventure of life, and lean into faith that I was surrounded by divine guidance, the beauty and magic of life unfolds in inconceivable ways that leave me struck with wonder. There is divine protection coming from various avenues, but we must open our minds and hearts to seeing from a variety of perspectives. Stepping out of the pit to glimpse glimmers of hope and find what is good in the moment are the real precious gems that cultivate inner trust. Just as Frodo and Samwise relied on each other to offer hope in the midst of darkness, how might each one of us tap into the light of hope and spread it to those around us?

That light of hope resides in confronting all that is keeping us from experiencing and tasting a deep inner love, strength, creativity, and wisdom that is just waiting to reveal itself in our own unique ways. I am returning to some deeper wisdom from two decades ago: we are all unique sparks of the divine; heaven and hell are states of awareness, not some far off destinations. We may live in a chaotic and messy external world, but reclaiming who we are and living by the values, gifts, and talents we have been given are the keys to being a light of love, hope, justice, and joy in the world. Magic arises when we lean into trusting in this wisdom, living for the present moment, and seeing that beauty does exist alongside the ashes.

I continue to fluctuate amongst states. One of the most precious pieces of intuitive wisdom I received many years ago was recognizing that I can be deeply content and satisfied in my unique mood of melancholy bliss. What is this melancholy bliss? It is seeing the depths of destruction, acknowledging and feeling it deeply while also embracing the experience of beauty, kindness, love, and compassion residing within the core of who I am as I connect back to the ways I am a unique thread in the interconnected fabric of all life. The more I see with eyes that understand this interconnected play, the greater opportunity I have to lean into what is true, loving, and authentic within myself. I trust that staying true to honoring my core values will ultimately have the most beneficial impact on the world around me, whether I see it or not.

I choose to cling to the gems of authenticity and values-driven action over any worldly attachments. In the process, I have found a depth of connection to all that is good, magical, loving, and serendipitous in the world around me. Not everything works out how I desire, but I trust that in the end, the courageous adventure will continue leading me towards ever expansive loving connection with all that exists.

As I look back on my life, one thing I do recognize is that somehow, everything belongs. The pain, adversity, suffering, and dark nights of the soul have supported my inward journey and my declaring that what I survived was far removed from love. Recognizing the depth of the human condition, how easily we are manipulated into believing in what society deems worthy and valuable, and how quickly I myself can turn towards cruelty continues to help me meet the human experience with compassion. At the same time, it wasn’t until I turned the love and compassion for others towards myself that I was able to start breaking free from the chains of codependency, reclaim my worth and value, and bring the most brilliant parts of my creative existence back online in a more grounded and authentic way. This is still a work in progress, and I celebrate every step in seeing life as a wild, interesting adventure filled with a mixture of deep lessons and inconceivable loving mercy.

I read some deep wisdom in my grandfather’s autobiography on Halloween. He said, “I learned that I had one extremely valuable quality going for me. I wasn’t afraid to make a decision and live with the consequences. To my surprise, some very capable people simply can’t bring themselves to make decisions. (Gollum couldn’t make the decision to see beyond his cave and “my precious” ring.) No matter what path a person takes, they simply have to learn to make decisions on their own, if they are going to progress.”

I have made many painful decisions that have cost me a lot of relationships. The most recent being leaving behind a community and spiritual teacher who were instrumental parts of my life for the past 4 years. And yet, if I wanted to progress, to branch out and meet people in the mess, I needed to remain honest with myself, follow my intuition, and reclaim my understanding that spiritual life arrives the moment we graciously accept our worth and value in the warm embrace of loving mercy for our very messy human reality.

He went on to say, “I learned that social status, wealth, education, or religion has very little to do with a person’s true character. None of the above have a bearing on their honesty, integrity, or how they treat those who are superior, inferior, or equal to them.”

Over the years I have recognized how my empathic nature and inability to see my own inner worth and value left me caught in the hands of those more than willing to use and abuse my open, compassionate, and giving nature for their selfish gains. It is my humble desire to break down these complexes rooted in hierarchical systems that thrive on oppressing others. It had to start with breaking free from my own inner oppression and allowing all of who I am to rise up, stand out, and rebel for the greater good in ways I didn’t know were even possible. I have clearly been guided and supported by a power far greater than myself in this lifetime endeavor, and for that, I will remain eternally grateful for the adventure.

I am stepping back in awe at just how much wisdom my grandfather held that was miraculously passed on to me so I can spread that very same wisdom to others in my own unique way. This is a piece of that wisdom that came through intuition whispering, “MY PRECIOUS” and envisioning the disheveled, skin-and-bones, hunchbacked Gollum while I stirred my pot of oatmeal.

My inner world is truly a trip and quite the adventure! I have long laughed that my parents didn’t have a chance at treating me in the ways I needed since I remain a total enigma to myself! Moments like this intuitive writing remind me how true that statement is!

We are all doing the best with what we have, and yet, we all have freedom to choose a new direction when what we are doing is harming ourselves or others. I hope you choose the adventure over the cave, the wrong way turns over a false hope, and courage over fear because the best stories are forged when we step out into the great unknown with trust that a force greater than ourselves is ready to support whatever wild, hair-brained creative pursuit our hearts desire.

This writing just might be one of those hair-brained creative pursuits!

I hope you all had a magical Halloween!