Caught in Survival Mode: Part One-Holding on for Dear Life

I was out in the forest yesterday and a few images caught my eye. I knew instantly there would be metaphors and a writing.

I know many of us have felt caught in the chaos of life moving at an ever increasing pace. We are trying to keep our heads above water, but the toxicity, demands placed upon us, and speed of life threatens to pull us into the rapids even more.

This first six months of the year have been a whirlwind of wildness, change, and transition for many within my circle, and my life is no exception. Whether taking a trip of a lifetime across the globe to Vrindavan, India, or jumping off a cliff and exiting corporate healthcare to follow my dream of offering holistic health in authenticity, I sure have had many lessons and moments where survival has been the name of the game.

Three days of feeling awful in India while being thrown an onslaught of sights, sounds, and smells to further test my nervous system definitely left me feeling in survival mode. Here I was, desiring nothing more than to dive deep into pilgrimage and I was laid up with no sensory relief in sight. Add on top, the deep reality of what Vrindavan has turned into, which is no longer the sweet and peaceful forest I have read about in Krishna's pastimes, and I defintely felt caught in survival mode.

Winter of 2010 offered another deep time of feeling in survival mode as I was not only feeling the grief of losing my grandmother, but I was also able to deeply process the loss of my grandfather nearly 2 years prior. Add in medications that actually threw me into deeper depression and feeling isolated, and it was a recipe for survival mode to kick into high gear.

Go to work, put on a mask, pretend everything is okay. Serve everyone else around me. Come home to a house that was fully my responsibility with no one there to help shoulder some of the burden. Feel exhausted and crash hard, but too many thoughts keep me awake. The alarm goes off and it's time to repeat the cycle.

It was a dark night of the soul and my only recourse was to surrender to the process, hang on to the best of my capacity, show up where I had no choice, and release that which was not urgent. I attempted to get rest when I could. There is much about that time that is a blur, but I do recall many days where I would come home from a full day of work, go up to my bedroom, sit on the bed looking out the window and pray, "is this what life is all about? Where have I gone? What happened to the bright cheery person I once was? Is it all just a front I put up for my patients, or is she hidden in there somewhere?"

I'm not sure exactly when the fog lifted, but getting off the medication that was throwing me off definitely helped. It took quite a bit of time for it all to get out of my system. During that time, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other, do my best, and trust that the storm would eventually pass.

As I look back on the year that 2010 was, I really am amazed by the depth of growth hidden within the deep trials and challenges. I recognize the resilience and perseverance that developed during that time, and I am now witnessing how I'm moving through this next major life transition with greater patience guiding my way.

These times of survival mode may make us feel as though we are going crazy and we may start asking, what is wrong with me? Why can't I pull it all together? Why can't I find my heart and joy?

These questions offer us an opportunity to search deep within, and can support our ability to come out of survival mode with lessons that move us forward in life. The questions I happened to be asking were my lifeline, the one thing that I could cling to when nothing else made any sense. And while I didn't get immediate answers, it was the hope of answers revealing themselves in due course of time that kept me hanging on and persevering when hope could have easily been lost.

The answers did come in time and the darkness fell away. I came back to some semblance of myself, only with more understanding of the wild nature of grief, stress, and hanging on for dear life.

I want to leave you today with a couple of questions to ponder.

What are the ropes of hope you can cling to when you find yourself in survival mode?

How can you honor this time with understanding that this too shall pass?

Please join me tomorrow for part 2: Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Also, I would love for you to partner with me over on Patreon where I offer twice weekly soundbites to paid members and group and discounted one-on-one coaching for higher tiers. Check out my offering here: patreon.com/nourishedheartswellness

In loving Service,

Dr. Stephanie Nartaki Heinhold