Caught in Survival Mode: Part Two- Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

What do we do when we feel caught between a rock and a hard place? Life seems to have come to a standstill, or maybe an impossible choice comes our way. We may be stuck in a job that is draining the life force out of us, or we don't see a way out of a situation that is actively harming us. It can dim our light quickly and we may find ourselves surrounded by darkness.

My being caught between a rock and a hard place also happened in 2010 (alongside other times in my life). I was a couple years separated from a psychologically abusive marriage. My allergies were running rampant, and I was placed on multiple medications to try and get control of what my body was doing to me. Little did I know that one of those medications would throw my mind for a loop and I would end up acting crazy in the external world. Steroid-induced mania is a very real thing, and I have first hand experience of the insanity that ensues.

I found myself in the hospital, finally admitting out loud to some of the deep traumas and abuses that had occurred in my teenage years that I had kept hidden to the world. There was grief, relief, and darkness that fell all at once. I was completely aware of many things, and yet unaware of other aspects of this episode in my life.

One moment I recall vividly. I was in the ambulance and the EMT riding in the back with me was requesting my signature. Just before I gave him that, I threw my hands up in the air and voiced a depth of surrender that took both of us by surprise. I said, "well, here I am. I know my actions and words over the last week have made me appear crazy to the outside world. I guess I just have to accept that I have lost my job. I will likely lose my house, and I guess I'll end up back with my parents."

A deep sigh emanated out of me as he handed me the pen. I'm not sure exactly what happened and whether it was my anxiety or the bumpy ride, but a miracle ensued that offered a glimmer of light as I sat between a rock and a hard place.

As I signed my name, the signature I had relied upon for years prior to my marriage suddenly returned. My jaw dropped and I laid there in amazement! It was as if I was being guided to the understanding that no matter what happens, all will end up okay.

Sometimes the most humbling and freeing thing we can do when we are caught between a rock and a hard place is surrender, release control, and ride the wave of faith and trust that somehow, someway, life will guide us to where we are meant to be.

Patience, perseverance, curiosity, surrender, and faith. These are the deeper, hidden gems found in the dark night of the soul. You may be hanging on to the log that is keeping your head above water for dear life, and that's okay. Sometimes life throws you more than you believe you can handle, and yet, I am drawn to offer deep wisdom coming from one of my dear mentors:

"If you are alive and breathing today, you have survived 100% of what life has thrown at you."

Thank you, Dayal Gauranga, for that wisdom.

You may feel beaten down, battered, and ripped apart in the process, and yet, you are still here putting one foot in front of the other and doing your best given the circumstances. Let that be enough to offer your heart, mind, and soul the hope it needs to keep going and trust that you won't be caught in this darkness forever. This, too, shall pass.

What are some options you may want to rely on if you are finding yourself caught in survival mode?

• Honoring the body's need for rest

• Recognize and name the survival you are in without trying to change it

• Release what you can and focus on what is absolutely necessary to survive

• Trust that this too shall pass and brighter days are ahead

• If possible, tap into something that fills your heart with joy, but if you can't, know that will also come in time

• Ask deeper questions and lean into curiosity

• Surrender the outcome and trust that your effort to keep stepping forward will pay off in the long run

Remember, wherever you may find yourself in life, there is one constant and that is change. Keeping hope alive will help the light penetrate through the tiny cracks in the darkness.

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In loving service,

Dr. Stephanie Nartaki Heinhold